December 03, 2019













As we approach the end of the year, parents and students around Australia will be receiving that all-important report card.

Some will be presented with pride and celebrated; others will be presented with trepidation and met with a harsh word and a stern warning.

When I was at school, my report card routinely read that I was excellent at English, good at maths and hopeless at sport. Of course, I learnt from a very young age that I would always be picked last for sport but first if there was an argument to be won!

So my report card also mentioned something about my penchant for talking too much in class, which I recall caused a lot of angst for my economics teacher, Mr Leigo, who once said to me, 'Blimey, Aly, you could talk underwater with a meat pie in your mouth!'

Considering the time of year, and considering that we are in the last couple of days of parliament sitting, I thought I might deliver my own report card for the year as it was.

Let's start with the Prefects.

The Member for Kooyong has participated in several class projects over the course of the year. While vocal, he struggles with basic economic concepts such as the difference between debt and deficit. I recommend a tutor and perhaps less reliance on Siri for his answers.

It would also be helpful if, when he makes presentations, he could speak a little quieter.

The Member for Dickson should be commended for putting up his hand to be head prefect.

However, in doing so he appears to have overestimated his support from other prefects, which has poor implications for his numeracy skills—namely his ability to count correctly. He would make more friends if he smiled more often and learned to play nice with others.

The Member for Riverina doesn't seem to be handling his new prefect role very well and is prone to temper tantrums when under stress.

Unfortunately, this is often in a very public forum, including at whole school assemblies.

The Member for Pearce this year took on a lot more responsibility amongst the prefects and, unfortunately, this seems to be taking a toll on the quality of his work.

In particular, he has failed to hand in his end of year assignment on religious discrimination. When questioned why he couldn't submit his assignment on time, he made an excuse about the dog eating his homework.

The Member for Hume has had a particularly bad run this year. He's been a very, very naughty boy. He showed such promise and has previously attended some very, very good schools.

Unfortunately, he has failed to apply his initiative and instead has proven to be quite the distraction for his classmates. He is prone to exaggeration at times and once told his classmates that he lived down the road from a very famous author. He has spent a lot of time in the naughty corner but has refused to go to the Principal's office for disciplinary action.

The Member for Fadden has had less than satisfactory results in English this year. In particular, he has a tendency to use complex words in the wrong context; for example, 'ontology of capabilities' and 'scaling up platforms'. I recommend that he stick to single syllables and that he would greatly benefit from the use of a dictionary.

The Head Prefect has spent much of his time shouting at people and guzzling beer behind the shed, pretending to be one of the cool kids.

Overall, the prefects this year have been caught on several occasions without correct uniform, failing to wear the little prefect pins that were issued to them by the Head Prefect.

The remainder of the Coalition Class of 2019 have also had stand-out performers.

The Member for Stirling leads the class in Drama, with his theatrical performance of Dorothy Dixers during question time. He receives the Endeavour Award for his commitment but, sadly, no Oscar.

The Member for McPherson's attempt to portray the Prime Minister of New Zealand was a particular lowlight in the drama program this year. She gets a participation certificate.

The Member for Goldstein has exhibited an unwillingness to play nicely with others, is frequently caught yelling across the hall and throws terrible tantrums when he doesn't have the final say. He would greatly benefit from more outside play and extracurricular activities, such as long distance running.

The member for North Sydney has demonstrated creative aptitude and would excel at a career in costume design in the cinema.

The Member for Mackellar has told too many Dad jokes this year, and nobody laughed.

The Member for Dawson has had too many absentee days for overseas travel this year and seems unlikely to graduate.

Well, that's my report card for the year. I wish all the students in Cowan and across Australia the best of luck as they enter their final weeks of school.

I hope that next year's report card is an improvement.

Happy Christmas, and a very happy New Year to all.